Mental Block

I’ve been staring at this blank screen for a while now. I’m not even sure why. I just don’t have it in me currently to push out any coherent thoughts. Everything is internalized. When I start down this path of keeping it all on, it only ever leads to one thing. A block. A huge freaking wall that I slam head on. I don’t know what brought this one on, but I think I have a hunch as to why it’s lasting this long.

I recently wrote about my latest tattoo. I love it. It’s beautiful, but it’s bringing out emotions I thought I had already dealt with. I guess grieving is never really over.

I will get past this. I can work through it, but man, it’s kicking my butt. I just need to keep writing, keep my fingers moving. I can do this. Writing keeps me whole and helps me deal. I will get my groove back. Soon.

Tattoo Me

I now have a total of four tattoos. Judge me all you want if you don’t like tattoos, but I love them, and before you step on your soap box, here me out. Each and every one of them have meaning.

The first tattoo I got at 18, young, wild, and free. My best friend at the time and I got matching butterflies on our ankles. The artists weren’t the greatest, and the butterflies are lackluster, but in that moment, it was exactly what I wanted. I wanted to do something crazy, something our parents probably wouldn’t like, but most of all, I wanted to make a lifelong memory with my best friend. Now, it’s a forever reminder of that crazy summer, one I will never and don’t want to ever forget.

My second tattoo was in two parts. The first was a word, Fayeth, and later I added a Navy anchor and the article “of”, so it became Anchor of Fayeth. This is my dedication to my husband’s grandparents who passed in 2011 and I was very close with.

Next and more recently, I added a tribute to my maternal grandparents who passed in 2015. A horseshoe and rose over my right shoulder will forever symbolize the greatest memories I have with them.

Lastly, the sparrow and nautical star on my other ankle. This is extremely emotional for me to discuss because the greatest sense of loss I have ever experienced in my life thus far is the day I lost one of my closest friends since childhood. It was just too soon, completely unexpected. She drew this sparrow and star so long ago, but it’s because she drew it that I have placed it on my body forever.

So, you may still not like them, but you cannot deny that sometimes they have a greater meaning and purpose. They may not be for you, but they are exactly what I need.

Becoming A Mother – For My Daughter

When life was easy, I came and went as I pleased.party
When life was easy, I never worried about a thing.
I could get up and go at the drop of a hat.
I could stay out all night and sleep in till noon.
I never cared what anyone thought.
My main goal was to make me happy.
I partied too much, drank too much, made mistakes that I’m not proud of, but never had to worry about someone to answer to.

When life was easy, responsibility was simple.
When life was easy, I took care of me.
I could go a little crazy or forget about everything, but it really wouldn’t matter to anyone but me.
I could get a tattoo or piercing on any old whim.
I could go to a hockey game without notice.
I could eat fast food every day of the week, and none of it mattered to anyone but me.

When life was easy, most days were the same.
When life was easy, nothing really changed.
Work during the week; partying and sleeping late on the weekends.
I could always count on the same people to do the same thing day in and out.
I could always count on the same old routine.
And it all fit so perfectly in the monotony of when life was easy.

Now, life is different in a way I couldn’t have imagined.
Now, life is altered into something I never foresaw.
Now, life is hard.

Now that you’re here, life is hard.
Now that you’re here, I have to be accountable for my whereabouts.
I have to do certain things at certain times.
I have to be up early then in bed early.
I have to care what someone else thinks.
My main goal now is to make you happy because now it all matters to someone that isn’t me.

Now that you’re here, responsibility is difficult.
Now that you’re here, I have to take care of you.
I have sometimes felt like I’m not doing this right, and now it matters to someone that isn’t me.
I have not gotten a tattoo or piercing in a few years.
I have to make plans in order to go out.
I have to live healthy and buy organic food because now it all matters to someone that isn’t me.

Now that you’re here, every day is different.
Now that you’re here, everything has changed.
My life revolves around you each and every moment.
I have to be there for you because I know you need me.
I have to help you learn this world as much as I can.
And it all fits so perfectly in the constant changes of our lives because now something matters to someone that isn’t me.baby

My life was full of nothing before you were born.
My life was empty as I went through the motions.
Now my life has meaning as I walk alongside you.
Now my life consists of helping you through.
I love you more than anything, my daughter.
And now that life is hard, I do everything for you.
And now that life is worth living, it’s all because of you.