In the moment

Everyday we spent racing toward adulthood are all the days I wish we had back.

All the times we daydreamed of the future are all the moments I would gladly give anything to have again.

This life isn’t what it was supposed to be. No. You were supposed to be in it. 

This life can feel so empty without you filling it. How I long for the life I had with you.

What I would tell young, naive us now that I know what the future holds is to cherish every second together because one day all too soon those dreams won’t come true.

Live in the now, I would say, because one day, I would know what it’s like to not have you.

A New Normal

I feel like I have heard this term more and more lately as I have gotten older. It seems to pop up at every milestone in life. Get married, a new normal. Have kids, a new normal. Each child’s milestone, a new normal. Then there are the new normals that happen unexpectedly. Loved one passes away results in a new normal. Tragic accident which changes your life creates a new normal. All of these moments in our lives all have one thing in common. They all force us into a different way of doing things, but does that make it normal?

What about anything anyone does is normal? What makes the aftermath of this x-factor normal? Life after a more common rite of passage I can see being shuffled in with what society constitutes as normal, but what categorizes the subsequent life we must lead following a tragedy? Who deems the shift in our lifestyles as meeting some societal standard of the status quo?sticker375x360-u2

What follows after an event literally rocks your world and forces you to continue in a different manner than you were before would never be considered normal to the one experiencing it, but somehow, they will follow along to try and make it morph into what the world around them expects to see.

I say, screw it. Nothing about life is normal. Nothing about our existence on this planet is normal. If it were, we’d all be clones without a mind of our own. In all of God’s infinite wisdom, he gave us each our on willpower, thus our own minds, our own feelings and intelligence. I refuse to believe that any response we may have to any life altering scenario could be constituted as normal.

How about instead of trying to classify a reaction, we just support each other’s coping mechanisms and lend a hand to those in need? How about instead of expecting someone to reach some made up standard following such an event, we allow them to reach a place in their lives where they again feel like themselves albeit wiser from the experience?

Normal is such a relative, fake word, devoid of real meaning. Maybe the phrase should just be a new chapter in life, but I guess that is just the author in me.

Please, Don’t Drink and Drive!

I’m going to go on a bit of a rant here, so you have been warned.cuc6e2rngiy-zachary-staines.jpg

My best friend of fifteen years died in a car accident six months ago due to a drunk driver, and a few days ago, my cousin and her husband were in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. My cousin and her husband are in the hospital. The husband is O.K. A few broken bones and bruises, but my cousin had to have surgery due to bones puncturing her organs and has various other broken bones such as her arm and leg. She’s out of surgery and breathing on her own, but she’ll be in the hospital for a while rather than spending time with her family.

I am so sick of this selfish act hurting my loved ones! Why do people think they are indestructible or that they won’t make a mistake and possibly injure or kill someone by driving drunk? Why is it so hard to call a cab? Why is it so hard not to over-drink, or to think ahead and have a designated sober driver, or to have a ride lined up for the end of the night? Why do people drive drunk?

I am beside myself trying to understand! I just can’t wrap my head around it. It is one of the easily avoidable tragedies in our modern world if only people care more about others than they do themselves. What are you so concerned about? Leaving your car somewhere over night? The inconvenience of having to go back and get it the next day? Well, first off, you should have thought of that ahead of time as a grown adult. Second, why can’t you see the greater risk of literally tearing not only your life apart, but others as well!

If you’ve made it this far, I thank you for sticking around. I don’t typically choose to go on tirades, but at this moment in time, my heart is hurting so much for those affected by this selfish act that I had to release it. Please, I beg of you, do not drive drunk. Even if you think you can make it home, please don’t.thisisatest

Maybe I should join MADD. Anyone have any information on this organization? I’ll definitely be starting my research tonight. Maybe I could create some sort of movement that would allow an insuranced driver to write off their taxi bill if they were in an inebriated state and couldn’t drive. Would that help? I’m not sure, but we have to start somewhere. Too many are taken too soon or injured too greatly not to try something!

2017 Goals

Last year, I had planned on setting goals each month with a long term goal as the grand prize. I think I made it through four months of the process, but like most “resolution-ists”, it kind of fell to the wayside. This year, I have some ideas of what I would like to accomplish in 2017, but some aren’t fully fleshed out just yet. I’m thinking I might create a few monthly goals, but I also have some that I would like to set for the overall year as well.happy-new-year-2017-images

This month:

-Figure out how to lose weight. I’ll expand on this in another post.
-Write 10K words on my new project.
-Continue to Tweet daily and blog at least weekly.
-Have a date night.

Overall year:

-Travel. I have a wedding to attend in Colorado, so this should be easy, but I also want to go to Florida. We’ll see what we can manage.
-Take a vacation. This kind of goes with the above, but I also want to make sure that I take the time to enjoy a break from the norm.
-Graduate. My bachelor’s degree is so close. I will finish it this year!

We’ll see how it all pans out, and I promise I’ll keep you’ll posted. After the excruciating year 2016 turned out to be, I’m crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

 

Growing Up Is Hard, But I Had You.

Growing up is hard. In elementary school, I had more friends than I knew what to do with. In middle school, I had a lot of friends and a group of people I considered best friends. As high school started, friends became acquaintances, and a few of those from the group of best friends shined greater than the rest. As you grow older, you lose friends. It’s a fact of life. But there are those that stick with you through it all.

Now into adulthood, three of those people from the best friend group of high school proved to be ride or die, loyal friends. They were there for me during times of loss, times of pain. They were there for me in times of joy and happiness. Hell, they were bridesmaids in my wedding. These three women have been part of my life for well over fifteen years and helped make me who I am today. Without them, growing up would have been even harder, but together, we made it through.

CMN and I met in elementary school. We clicked immediately in second grade which isn’t hard for seven years olds, and even through the hardships of growing up and finding ourselves, through times of fights and arguments, we have remained close. KMK and KAK are twins I met in middle school, and through the years, I was always close to both of them, but sometimes closer to one than the other. KMK was my maid of honor at my wedding, and was my best friend until a few years ago, but we still kept in touch. KAK and I got into mischief in high school, and over the past few years have remained in contact as much as possible. We grew up together, the four of us, and I couldn’t imagine life without any of them.

So when I got a phone call from CMN telling me that KAK passed away, I broke. I’m still broken. This girl that I spent my life with, going through boys, cars, and babies, is gone. This beautiful, amazingly talented, passionate woman will never again call or text me just to check-in. I literally feel as if part of my heart and soul has been severed.

How do you go from living with someone as part of your life to not? How do you turn the last fifteen plus years into a memory? I can’t imagine how to go through my day without thinking of checking in, just to say hey, with her. I can’t imagine not hearing about what color her hair is today or what new piercing she has. I can’t imagine not hearing her laugh, or growl, or some bodily function ever again. I just don’t know how to handle losing someone so tightly woven into my life that I wasn’t prepared to lose.

KAK is a year older than me. She is so full of life, light of any party or conversation. She literally could change anything negative into a giggle fest. She never knew exactly what to say which is why she always knew exactly what to say. She is a talented artist, an amazing listener, and a fantastic housekeeper. This woman is beautiful inside and out, and will forever live within my heart.

Rest easy, KAK. I love you always, my sister.

Love, Life, and Loss

Almost a year ago, in exactly seventeen more days, my daughter entered this world.

I know there are better introduction sentences in the classic novels of history. – Call me Ishmael. – A screaming comes across the sky. – Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. True written masterpieces of art! But I tell you this, none of those have moved me greater than the one written above. As each day passes, and the number dwindles down, I find myself becoming an even bigger mass of emotions.

Panic. Love. Anxiety. Peace. Despondent. Elated.

This tiny human who grew inside of me then entered this world via me has been part of my life for almost an entire year. From this wrinkly, sleepy little creature who fit so perfectly on my chest to the now taller than my head to waist wiggle worm, she has grown so much. I can hardly believe that all of three-hundred and forty-eight days ago I was desperately waiting to see her face for the first time when now all I see in my mind’s eye is her silly smile and bright eyes.  

I will never know a greater joy then to see my daughter’s face. I will never know a more peaceful moment then when she is asleep in my arms. I will never be able to forget a moment I spend with her for the rest of my life because I try my hardest to live my time with her with everything I am.

I know, I’m sappy today, and it has everything to do with what today is. Today is the day of the funeral for my maternal grandfather four months after my maternal grandmother’s passing. I guess you can say I’m contemplating time and mortality. Both of my grandparents lived long lives into their seventies, and I know they lived well, but how long is long enough?

I’ve heard older people say, “I’ve lived a long and happy life, so I’m ready to move on to the next stage.”, but how do they ever come to that point? Will I ever understand their feeling of a life complete? I couldn’t imagine one day suddenly feeling like I had lived every moment I could live when life continues to happen around me.

Maybe they are just at peace with the way their lives played out and know that whatever greater moment there is after this life, they will still in someway play a part in the current world they live in. Maybe they realize that while their bodies may not be here, the love they shared will never die as long as their loved ones live and share it with others.

I guess I take solace in knowing the love I felt for my grandparents is still within me even though it is stung with the pain of loss. I think I’ll hold onto their memory a little tighter today, and know that it won’t die within me as long as I share it with my loved ones. And I think I know who I will start with.   

The Eighth Day

Oh, how busy! I swear being an adult just comes with never ending critical situations.

Tomorrow will mark a week that I have started with a dieting center called “Physicians Weight Loss Center”. I found them as part of an Amazon Local coupon, and I am now on a strict, healthy, monitored diet for a month that I swear I eat more now than I did before, but it is all healthy food!

My nutritionist, Whitney, has been great with helping me get the hang of things so far. There is so much to learn that I never realized I was doing wrong. I never really ate “bad” food, but between my sugar intake and the quantity of food within my meals, it’s becoming very easy to see why I gained the weight I did.

By no means is this an add for the company or a testimony to any results (I haven’t even had my first weigh in, yet!), but more a question, I guess.

Right now, I’m not going to lie, I could really go for some McDonald’s and Mrs. Fields cookies, but I am so excited about my potential weight loss that I refuse to dwell on those glutenous thoughts! Whitney told me that my goal is obtainable, so I cannot wait to see what will happen. I want to make sure that I give her the full month before adding any “cheating” items.

But, here’s my question.

Have you ever noticed the “Eighth Day Hump”? For those who have tried quitting something, whether a diet, quit smoking, giving up some other bad habit, didn’t you find that after that first week, the beginning of the next was just the most difficult.

As I said above, this will be my seventh day, the weigh in day tomorrow, and I am really nervous. What if after all the hard work I have put in this week, I haven’t had any results? What if after going through this first week, I haven’t made any progress? I can’t even imagine the disappointment I’ll feel if the scale doesn’t move in the right direction!

I’ve already warned my husband that he probably shouldn’t be home when I get out of the center after this weigh in depending on which way the scale tips. I’m really not sure what the results will be, but I know I do feel better. I don’t feel as bloated or fatigued (still tired, but again with the Ode to Adulthood). I’m never hungry because I eat so much good food, and I am actually starting to like figuring out ways to make my food taste good because I don’t have to eat plain anything!

I am definitely excited about this life change, but I really hope this eighth day won’t be my undoing!

Next blog post: Writing on the Road Again!