Everything happens for a reason.

I believe things happen for a reason, but I don’t believe in predestination. Sounds a little confusing I know, but life is much more colorful than black and white. I believe in the gray that allows us to make our own decisions. Decisions that shape many different paths that we may walk of our own freewill, but ultimately lead to another fork in the road.

All this to say, there was absolutely a reason I didn’t get to post anything yesterday as I typically do. And I believe that reason was because of the dream I had last night.

If you know me, you know I’m not a real emotional person such that I don’t cry in certain scenarios other women might. I have gotten a bit softer in the recent years and have cried at silly things like a movie or song, but I attribute that to crazy hormones more than anything.

Well, after my dream last night, I’m just a crazy mess. I’m having a horrible morning between spilled breakfast and making a mess preparing my lunch. My clothes don’t match, and my hair is a mess. But I’m at work, trying to make it through the day and forget about the feelings my dream has dredged up.

In 2015, my grandmother passed away after battling breast cancer for a year. I had taken her to her first appointment when the oncologist first met with her about treatment. The entire battle was hard, but she fought just as hard.

Last night, what I can remember of the dream, she was in it. She was talking to me, but I can’t remember what about. I do remember feeling sad, but she hugged me and told me she loved me. I held her tighter and started to cry, and that is all I remember.

I think I missed posting yesterday so I could get this off my chest. I find solace in writing, more so than just talking it out. This is my way of getting it off my chest, and I am glad I waited until today to do it.

I miss my grandmother, but I am glad I got to see her in my dreams.

Remembering You

I see your face in every moon, shining down on me.

I see your smile in every sunrise and your beautiful heart in every sunset.

You fill my days with memories, none that will are new.

But now I see you everywhere. 

A constant reminder of you.

Happy birthday, KAK! I miss you everyday.

I miss you.

I’ve never in my life missed someone as much as I miss my best friend of over fifteen years. Her squeal when she was excited, her laugh was absolutely contagious, what I wouldn’t give to hear them again. She was the tiniest ball of the largest energy who could always put a smile on my face, or help me kick some ass of whoever pissed me off. She was my sidekick and sane mind when I needed her, but she could always relate and never judged whatever was going on in my life.

I’ve never missed anyone more than I miss her. Some may say that I am punishing myself by watching videos or looking at pictures of me and her, but it’s the only way I know how to curve the absolute need to see and hear her voice again. 

I know people say it gets easier, but I’m more of the mind that you just learn how to live with it. I guess I just haven’t figure it out yet.