Guardians – Released and Rated

As the book tour ends for Guardians release, I’ve become contemplative about the journey thus far. I’ve had to answer why I came up with this story, and what the Light and darkness really mean to me. I’m not sure I will ever be able to answer the why other than I had a dream that brushed the surface of what Guardians became. My dream inspired this story, and I’ve enjoyed developing it, but why is a very heavy question.

A question I know I can answer is what the Light and darkness mean to me. That’s easy. Light is the goodness of the world, the strength to overcome any fear or temptation. Light is perfection that we all wish to achieve, and what I love most about it is Light is life, so it is within us all.

Darkness, or Midnight, is the evil of the world. It consumes people until they are controlled by it. It closely resembles someone who has succumbed to a battle of one of the deadly sins. They may deny it, but their greed, gluttony, or pride controls their every decision.

I’ve known many people who have fallen to their vices, specifically drugs, but there have been too few that have come back from their stint in darkness to a life better than before. Those with survival stories talk about being saved from their battles by finding something or someone that brought them back to the light of life. These stories have also amazed me. Thus, Light and darkness, and the basis of the why.

I’m really not this deep, but this story really speaks to the testament of human will. Riley faces darkness in ways most people never have to, but she keeps fighting to stay in the Light. Every day people battle with pain and afflictions, but we can overcome them and live a life greater we ever imagined.

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Everything happens for a reason.

I believe things happen for a reason, but I don’t believe in predestination. Sounds a little confusing I know, but life is much more colorful than black and white. I believe in the gray that allows us to make our own decisions. Decisions that shape many different paths that we may walk of our own freewill, but ultimately lead to another fork in the road.

All this to say, there was absolutely a reason I didn’t get to post anything yesterday as I typically do. And I believe that reason was because of the dream I had last night.

If you know me, you know I’m not a real emotional person such that I don’t cry in certain scenarios other women might. I have gotten a bit softer in the recent years and have cried at silly things like a movie or song, but I attribute that to crazy hormones more than anything.

Well, after my dream last night, I’m just a crazy mess. I’m having a horrible morning between spilled breakfast and making a mess preparing my lunch. My clothes don’t match, and my hair is a mess. But I’m at work, trying to make it through the day and forget about the feelings my dream has dredged up.

In 2015, my grandmother passed away after battling breast cancer for a year. I had taken her to her first appointment when the oncologist first met with her about treatment. The entire battle was hard, but she fought just as hard.

Last night, what I can remember of the dream, she was in it. She was talking to me, but I can’t remember what about. I do remember feeling sad, but she hugged me and told me she loved me. I held her tighter and started to cry, and that is all I remember.

I think I missed posting yesterday so I could get this off my chest. I find solace in writing, more so than just talking it out. This is my way of getting it off my chest, and I am glad I waited until today to do it.

I miss my grandmother, but I am glad I got to see her in my dreams.

Insomnia

I am finding myself more and more tired. It is taking a larger effort to get out of bed in the morning. I toss and turn no matter how long or little I have been sleeping. No matter how much time I sleep, it never seems enough. My mind races with the most random thoughts, none are coherent. I wake up looking like the walking dead.

Maybe it’s the time of year, less sunlight, more cold and dark. Maybe its my caffeine intake which I am eliminating starting today even though I have only been drinking one or two cups of coffee a day. Maybe its my sugar intake except I really haven’t eaten much of it recently, more simple carbs than chocolate. May need to cut back on bread/pasta, too. Exercise definitely needs to happen as there is slim to none in my life right now. Maybe that would make me good and tired.

All this being said, I really can’t pinpoint what is weighing on my heart and mind so heavily that sleep has become as elusive as the quest to find El Dorado. My foggy brain is hardly producing meaningful words let alone sentences.

The ultimate cure would be a lifelong vacation at the beach, but lady luck has yet to pull through with a winning lottery ticket thus far. I can only (hope to) dream.

Dreams of Pirates

Remember my dear,

As the time draws near,

To look to the horizon,

Farther than what you can set your eyes on

And whisper me a prayer

Of a gentle breeze in my hair

And a life full of adventure,

Even though I wish not to venture

Any further from home

Than my mind already roams.

Remember my love,

As the night taints the dove,

No matter how dark or how frail,

My admiration for you will never fail

Or falter under the weight of the stars

Because as I think of you, I have only these bars

Of magic and dreams

Far greater than they seem

To keep me warm as I travel,

Ever destined to unravel,

Except when I think of you.

Watching too many darn pirate shows. Better than reading about the Great Depression I guess. My dreams to that end are becoming a bit destitute. Although, the one last night was very intriguing, and I actually remembered most of it! Possible storyline, definitely book worthy material, but alas, my current project has hit over 80k words, and I still don’t think it’ll be finished before the end of the summer. We’ll see. Maybe throw in a pirate novel should I dream of any interesting ideas. When is bedtime again?