Married, Year 7

It is the 7th wedding anniversary for my husband and me. Seven years married, and a lifetime to go. It’s interesting now to think back on the advice we have been given throughout our years together.

“Never go to bed angry.”

“Share the load.”

“Oh, you won’t be doing that for much longer!”

All of it was taken with a grain of salt because not a single person knows what goes on in some other couple’s relationship. Regardless of how close the outsider might be to the couple, they will never understand what it is like to be in your relationship with your significant other.

However, there is some sound advise out there. Not all of it should fall on deaf ears.

But, does advise ever grow old? Is there a time limit for the value of the advice? Does it grow stale over years, or lose its potency? Does it keep forever regardless of when it was given?

The best marriage advice I have ever read can be found in an article from a writer in 1886 named Jane Wells.

“Let your love be stronger than your hate and anger.”

Man, of they entire world doesn’t need that lesson right now, no matter the marital status. Letting hate and anger fester does nothing but foster more hate and anger. Only love can heal. True for life and marriage.

“Learn the wisdom of comprise…”

Another life lesson, but I feel this so truly for marriage as well. No one agrees with another individual completely on every topic known to man. And, if they do, they may need to take a journey to discover themselves. Find what really matters to them, and understand their own mind.

“Believe the best…”

Because the worst is sometimes an imagined doubt rather than truth. Give the benefit of the doubt. Innocent until proven guilty.

“…living up or down to opinions.”

Set the bar high. Demand what you want, but be ready to compromise and be surprised.

“…true friendship…”

The basis of any marriage should be friendship. The couple should have a foundational bond of fondness toward each other, which will serve to keep them from falling apart. Friendships may be tested, but it is the connection between the two people that will endure.

“…hand this down to your children..”

Because the more things change, the more they become the “new norm”.

Finally, I leave you with this.

I have loved a man with my entire heart for over 15 years, and dedicated the rest of my life to loving him 7 years ago. It has been hard, full of compromises, times of anger, but the love we share is worth it. The relationship we have is everything to me because we keep surprising each other.

Happy anniversary, babe!

No More News

I’m sure everyone has been glued to their televisions or other news providing platform during this pandemic. We want to know all we can about this new virus, and hope we can squeeze more information from the talking heads by just tuning in. It’s not wrong to want to know more about what we are facing, but to stay so deeply in the chaos, so enthralled in the moment by moment updates which provide hardly any new information, is madness.

The world needs a break!

It may be too early to say this. It may be too soon to call for it, but what the world needs in this seemingly hopeless situation is some mindfulness. We all need to take a deep breath, and cleanse ourselves of the negativity swirling around and within us, and come back to center.

I do not want anyone to think that I am saying ignore the scariest thing to happen to this world in years. I AM NOT SAYING THAT.

What I am suggesting is that people take bite size bits of the overflowing flood of information, and disconnect until the next day. Focus on the overall information in one swift download then TURN THE PLATFORM OFF!

In this time of slow down, stay home, and stay safe, it is so easy to get caught up in all the news and constant information overload. To keep our sanity and ensure the information we are digesting doesn’t create anxiety or an overwhelming sense of dread, limit what you are taking in.

I give myself ten minutes every day to check Twitter for the newest updates on the virus, and read through some headlines on my Google feed. I may pick a few articles if I am interested in learning more, but once that time is up, I do not all myself to sit in the misery any longer. I can’t! If I do, I know my mental health will decrease rapidly, and I have to stay strong for my family!

So, for anyone that cares, my advice:

Don’t be like a pig and sit in your own s***. Be like a bird, and gather what you can in a time span then rest and reevaluate for tomorrow.

New job, too!

It’s been about a month since I started my new day job. I’m back in the industry I love, doing what I love to do. I’m so happy! But, I haven’t gotten to this point without a struggle.

If you didn’t know, about ten months ago, I had also accepted a new position, leaving an organization I had been with for seven years. It was a hard decision, but in order to keep developing my skills and move up in the world, it had to be done. I just wish I would have listened to my gut.

I had to make the move for my own professional development, but man, I wish I would have skipped that organization, and just come straight to my new job. I know it was a stepping stone that led me to where I am now, but it has been an interesting year, to say the least.

Now, I’m in my new organization with the previous just a distant memory. I’m happy to be training on software and building the cloud based infrastructure for a large division. It’s great to be back in the industry I love!

All this to say, sometimes you have to choose to go through hell to get to paradise.

If I had listened to my intuition those many months ago, I may never have gotten to where I am now. I could feel it in my soul that my previous organization wasn’t right for me, but I did it anyway. I chose to go there, even with red flags flying, because I knew I had to gain momentum. I had to start the process of moving, even though I was sure it wasn’t going to be a forever home.

I’m glad to have had the experience because now I know exactly what I don’t want and how to get back to everything I do.

When hugging a child..

I saw a meme the other day that had words of advice from a retired Disney Princess. It was Snow White hugging a little girl, and in white lettering it said:

When you are hugging a child, always be the last to let go. You never know how long they need it.cool-quote-hugging-child-Disney-worker

This pulled at my emotions, and as I have self-proclaimed numerous times, I really am not an emotional person. I do get emotional like anyone else, but my family jokes that there is a gene named after my grandmother that makes us all cry at the drop of a hat. Thankfully, I think it must have skipped me.

I don’t typically cry (unless it is a Nicholas Sparks book or movie) at random events, stories, or songs, but for whatever reason, this one got me. Call it my Bonnie-gene, or hormones, or whatever you want; this one meme hit me hard! Ever since my daughter came into my life, anything having to do with children targets the softest string in my heart and plays me like the most soothing harp until I’m a blubbering mess.

As I sat there, rocking my daughter to sleep and scrolling through my phone, tears filled my eyes as her little hands squeezed around my neck, holding me as close as her little arms could. I made a vow then to always be the last to let go.

Whenever she needs me, I will always be there, and whenever she holds on to me, I won’t let go first. I want her to be strong and independent, but to I also want her to know that she can always count on me to be there from through any moment in her life that she just needs to hold on a little tighter to me. And I absolutely need her to know that for as long as she’s holding on to me, I won’t let go.

As I laid her down in her bed after her arms relaxed on my shoulders, I kissed her little forehead and brushed her fine, wild hair from her face, knowing she is the exact reason why that meme meant so much to me.

I’m not crying. You’re crying!

Marriage is(n’t) the new dating.

I have seen it all too many times. Couples who rush into marriage regardless of how long they have been in a relationship together and ultimately fail. In my group of friends, I already have a handful of them that are divorced, and a smaller few of them already remarried. Each situation is unique, but each seems to have a common theme.

I honestly believe there is a moment in every relationship where the couple comes to a crossroad. Based upon the decision that is made at this fork, to fight or to give up, it will make or break the union. mike-enerio-87677.jpg

I know that may sound like a no brainer, but there is a great depth to this moment. I’m not talking about who will do a house chore, but rather something life changing such as the topic of children or financial decisions.

First, the crossroad is reached based upon a situation or scenario that tests each person as an individual. Their needs, wants, values, and very foundation of their entire lives is called into question.

Once the individual has decided their own thoughts and feelings on the situation, the second step to deciding whether to fight or give up is evaluating their partners conclusions. Sometimes this can lead to arguments and fights, but if I have learned anything in life, listening to the other side’s opinion is key to having a full understanding of any scenario. Patience is the only way through this step.

Once both parties have worked through their own understanding of the situation and now know where their partner stands, and here is the most important part of this entire process, step three is to decide if there can be a compromise.

Compromise is such a small, basic word that is thrown around in everyday conversations, but the meaning behind it packs a whopping punch. By googling the word, a definition pops up as follows:

NOUN
compromises
(plural noun)
  1. an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions:
VERB
compromises (third person present) · compromised (past tense) · compromised (past participle) · compromising (present participle)
  1. settle a dispute by mutual concession:

A mutual concession. Let that sink in. Both parties, after deciding what the situation means to them and hearing what it then means to their partner, will have to decide if a compromise, or a concession, or a partial/full giving up of something in order to meet in the middle on a decision/way to handle a situation, can be reached.

Both parties have to choose whether a compromise can be reached.

If one can’t, then I can guarantee the relationship will end. It may not happen after the first failed process in attempting to compromise, but the infection of the disagreement, of the stubbornness to meet somewhere in the middle for the sake of the relationship, will only spread until that final crossroad is met, and the couple gives up.

If a couple does not go through this process at least once before marriage, I will guess again that the relationship may fail. Without the foundation of choosing to fight for each other, if it were to arise in the midst of the marriage for the first time, I have seen it before where a couple succumbs to the crossroad.

I’m not sure if the romantic ideology given to many from movies, novels, and even songs has tainted our belief that marriage should be easy, but it seems that when it starts to get rough, couples are surprised or shocked.

alejandra-quiroz-658MARRIAGE IS NOT EASY, but it can be so beautiful. When two people continuously choose to fight for their love, fight to keep their relationship alive by working through their issues and finding common ground, there is beauty. When two people choose each other over their own needs and wants, there is compromise. When a couple decides to walk hand in hand down the same path, love will always lead the way.

Lesson of the day, my friends. Love your spouse. Fight for your marriage. Don’t let the crossroad lead you astray. Find the compromise, and continue on, together.