Grieving Cycle: Numb

Is numb part of the grieving cycle? I went through denial quickly then depression. Now, I literally feel dried up of tears and emotions. People give their condolences, and at first, I would lose it, but now, I just feel numb. Hearing her name hurts, but I have no tears. Saying her name crushes me because it’ll never be to get her attention again, but I can’t feel it. My nerve endings feel dull as if they had been seared by this pain. My brain feels short circuited as concentration has become a fond memory. I feel broken.

The only way I keep it together these days is by knowing my daughter still needs her mom, and that my husband still needs his wife. My daughter doesn’t need a blubbering mess of a mother, nor does my husband need a hyperventilating shrew. These two people are my main concern right now because I have to take care of them, but what they will never understand is that they are the glue to my pieces.

Without my amazing husband, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. He has held me as I sobbed, wiped my tears away and kissed me gently. He has been my rock during my rage as I think of the circumstance in which I lost my best friend. He has been there for me during my grief, and I couldn’t thank him enough because I’m sure he is going through it, too.

My daughter has kept me grounded. The responsibility of taking care of her and keeping to the routine has kept me from flying off the deep-end. Her little smiles and big hugs have lifted my heart from its collapse and promised me that even though I feel the loss deep within me that it will be OK. She is my reason for smiling, for laughing, for making it through my day.

Without either of the two most important people in my life, I can’t say that I would be sitting her writing this out to share with others. Without my little family, I don’t what I would do during this time of sadness. I thank God every day for what he has given me, and now I include in my prayers the time I was able to spend with a dear friend. Even though I may seem like I am keeping it together, it is only because these two people are holding me up.

As I take solace in my little family, I know I will always love and miss my friend. I just hope that I can one day say her name without feeling like I am falling to pieces only to be held together by the glue of my husband and daughter.photo-1446160657592-4782fb76fb99

I love you, KAK. You will forever be in my heart.

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

311 – Love Song

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